This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
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Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.