My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
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dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Me driving through Toronto
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude