Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
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I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.