You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
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This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head