Pat is about to own someone
You Might Also Like
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.