Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
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*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet