Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
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Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Gods work.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Very problematic
What an awful time to have common sense.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?