Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
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Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Note to self: always read the final line
Weirdos gonna weird.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL