People have all types of advice on getting a tick to pull out of your skin; Vaseline, matches, alcohol, mayo, etc. FOOLPROOF technique? Take it out to a fancy dinner and tell it you really see a future in the relationship and have always dreamt of having many children.
You Might Also Like
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.