I was once killed by a shark escalator.
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Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
when revenge coincides with naptime
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*