I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
You Might Also Like
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.