I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
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me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
who called it hell and not heaven’t
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.