I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
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I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
“HELP WITH CAT”
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?