I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!