I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”