Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
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watergate? u mean a dam??
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
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A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
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HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
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There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
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Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
He wanted to make sure😂