Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
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Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up