Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
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Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.