Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
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Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
The life cycle of pickles:
Day 1: Wife buys pickles
Day 1: I eat picklesDay 2: I replace pickles
Day 2: I eat picklesDay 3: Wife notices missing pickles
Day 3: Both buy pickles
Day 3: I eat pickles
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!