The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
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Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one