I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
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CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
it’s the silliest best thing
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
Worth a try
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles