If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Yup!
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*