My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
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They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
They’re really bad with fonts.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
this independent good boy don’t need no human
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Traveler’s camo
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me recordaron éste meme
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.