Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
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Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
sliding into dms like
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.