There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
You Might Also Like
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Saturday
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.