[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
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Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
You sure about that?
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I have so many questions.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
my retirement plan is braless
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.