What flavor cupcake are these
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‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.