“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
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INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
This could be us… but you playing
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Goat cheese is for herders.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*