I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
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MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Grandmother clock.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Welcome
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure