You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
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I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!