My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
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Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!