[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
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[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.