i need a six-month vacation twice a year
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nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”