Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
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me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Mistakes were made
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!