I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
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When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
The pasta is now
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
I don’t hate children, just yours.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
trying to act casual so the printer doesn’t realize this is time sensitive
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
looks legit