[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
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[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.