You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I feel it
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!