[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
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I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.