me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
Is your wife single?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
the worm is coming from inside the brain
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”