Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
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Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?