I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
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Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
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[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.
PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.
HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.
PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
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Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.