I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
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[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
@funTweeters
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it