I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
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Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I’m sorry…what?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?