I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
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Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.