Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
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🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.