“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
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New comic up. “Ransom”
🤣🤣🤣
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
#MeanwhileinCanada
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
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“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe