me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
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[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.He’s dead now
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever