I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: You ate all the cookies and your sister got none. What does that tell you?
4-year-old: I won.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…