Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.