HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
The most important meal of the day is the next one
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you